A RONIN CHRISTMAS RHAPSODY
BY KIA PURITY

(Modified 2004)
(Note: Yeah, Greg (Ken Takino) invaded this play.)

Ryo moans: I cannot believe we're doing another play!
Cye: You know Kia. Ever since the first play became a hit, she has been doing more ever since.
Kento: Do I have to eat the tree?
Rowen hits Kento's head with a book: NO!
Sage: We're muttering when the authoress is nowhere in sight!
Ryo: Better have her out of sight than to endure her manic actions!
Kento: Gee, I like the title! It's so poetic!
Rowen: Really?
Cye reads title: A Ronin Christmas Rhapsody... oh great, a Christmas special!
Ryo: I don't have a good feeling about this.
Cye: Same.
Sage: Why would anyone have a good feeling about Kia. She's nuts.
Kento: Yeah.
Ryo: Rowen. Book.
Rowen: What for?
Kento munches on a book: Yummy...
Rowen screams: GET YOUR FILTHY PAWS OFF MY BOOK!
Cye mutters: YOU'RE CHEATING ON YOUR DIET, KENTO!
Sage: Oh boy, this is bad when Kia's not around. In fact, when Kia's around, it's worse.
Rowen: Only because we've concluded that she's a card short of a deck.
*Rowen struggles to get book out of Kento's mouth*
Ryo: Let it go!
Cye: Yeah, before Kia gets smart and gets over here to cause more chaos!
Kia: Konnichi wa!
*All Ronins freeze*
Ryo: AAAH!
Cye: MOMMY!
Sage: *sigh*
Kento drops the books and jumps into a tree: EEK!
Rowen snatches the book and kicks the tree: Damn Kento, get out of that tree! You're only going to make Kia more crazy!
Kento: HELP!
Cye: Kia, please promise me you won't dress me up!
Kia: No problem. I'm doing the Christmas carol.
Ryo: Ahh.... wait, what's that?
Rowen thinks out loud: By Charles Dickenson.
Kia: Bravo!
Sage: ...I... will this go well?
Cye: Are you so sure about that?
Sage: Oh, right.
Kia groans: I'm not twisted this time!
*All sighs with relief*
Kia: However, I will have surprises.
*All faint*
Kia: Was it something I said?
Okami: Yep.
Hebi: You silly morons! Get up!
Tora: Yeah, this is no time to snore!
Omu: I wasn't aware that they snore....
Ryo gets up: I was trying to avoid Kia's evil side!
Hebi: She's only evil when she's doing a play or a story!
Kia: Exactly!
Okami: UH-OH, Hebi... you shouldn't had said that. Kia is doing one now.
Hebi: Rats.

THE PLAY WILL BE START IN A MOMENT, PLEASE GO AND GET YOUR SNACKS BACK FROM ARI.

*Ari is running around the room with cookies while the audience is chasing after him*
Okami: Hey! Ari stole my cookies! I made them!
Cye: So did I! Give them back, Ari!
*Chases after Ari*
Hebi: Oh great!
Kia types: Hmmm.... should be interesting when I'm done!

Ladies:
Sakura Kia Takino
Tora Kasumino
Hebi Natsuno
Omu Sorano
Okami Tenkuno

The victims of Kia:
Sage Date
Rowen Hashiba
Ryo Sanada
Cye Mori
Kento Rei Fuan

Ryo groans: Victims?!
Cye: We're newly defined.
*still chasing after Ari*
Sage: Maybe being comatose wouldn't be bad but Kia would try to kiss me...
Kia zooms up to him: Hey, where's my kiss?!
Sage: Uhhh....
Rowen: Be careful of what you say or she'll show up.
Kento: Hey Ari, I want my cookie!
*chases after Ari*
Greg: Hi fart face.
Kia: GET OUTTA HERE.
Greg: I would rather kiss Sage's butt!
*Kia boots Greg into orbit*
Kia: And stay home, ecchi!
Sage: I see it's hereditary.
Kia: Shut up.
Sage: It's the truth.
Kento: Mommie! *cries*
Greg: No! I would rather kiss Cale's butt!! Heh-heh!
Kia puts Cale in room: Here.
Cale: What the heck is going on?!
*Sage boots Cale into orbit*
Sage: I won't do that if I were you, Greg!
*Kia boots Greg into Wichita*
Kia: STAY THERE!
Ryo: I thought we were supposed to do the play!
Kia: WE WILL!
Hebi: That is if Ari hasn't stolen the play.
Kia screams: HEY! ARI STOLE MY PLAY! *chases after Ari around a Christmas tree*
Greg: I want to eat the tree!
Cale: ...
Sage: Go away. *boots Cale into orbit*
Kento: You're not gonna eat my tree! I'm eating it first!
Greg: ... *throws Kento on Mars*
Hebi: ...
Ryo: MY DREAM WENCH! *Hebi slaps Ryo*
Sage: Ow. That has gotta to be painful.
Kia: *looks at Sage*
Sage: Go away.
Kia: *attacks Sage's hair*
Sage: AAH.
Okami: Here's the hair spray!
*Hair products fly all over as Kia and Sage are fighting with each other's hair. When the dust clears, their hair are obviously messed up*
Kia: My hair!
Sage: My poor hair!
*Both fixes their hair*
Tora: They're freaky about their hair.
Greg: Can I eat your hair, Kia?
Kia: NO!
Kento: Can I eat your hair, Kia?
Kia: HELL, NO!
Kento whimpers: Why not?
Kia: Because Ari stole my hair!
*Kento chases after Ari*
Okami: Then why is it still there?
Kia: Ari stole my wig! Hahaha!
*Kento runs around like a monkey*
Okami: PIG!
*Kento oinks like a pig*
Kento: Squeal!
Ully: Hey, no fair, that's my line!
Greg: Well.... where's the bacon?
Sage: Kento didn't eat it this time.
Ryo flames a duck: There, a Christmas duck!
Greg: Kento, can I eat you???
Ryo: You're sick!
Kia: Of course, that's why I called him ecchi!
Kento: I'm not a pig now! I'm a monkey!
Greg: Can I eat your brains then? And tail too!
Kento: Nope.... I'm not monkey either.
Greg: I have a cow!
Cow: Moo!
Kia: GET OUTTA HERE, COW!
*Cow leaves*
Greg: Come back my sweet cow!
*Kisses cow*
All: YAAAH!
Okami: Moo!
Greg: Yuck, you're not my cow! But I'll kiss you!
Kento: Hey, not her! She's my girlfriend!
Greg: I already have a girlfriend *kisses Okami*
Kento: ...
Kia: Stupid brother! I'll do something about this! *Types on computer*
*Cow mysteriously gets roasted by Ryo*
*Kento eats roast beef*
Greg: That's it! *Kicks Kento and Kia to Mars*
Sage: HEY?! *Kicks Greg to Pluto*
*Kia returns, very pissed off*
*Kento crashes into Okami's head*
Kia: THAT'S IT! I'LL MURDER THAT LITTLE SLIMY FUNGUS FOR A BROTHER!
Sage: He's on Pluto now.
Sailor Pluto: You can have the ecchi back! *Throws Greg at Kia*
*Kia dodges*
*Ari faints after Greg hits him*
*Sailor Pluto leaves*
*Greg boots Sage into moon*
Kia: Hey! Sage! Not fair!
Greg: It is fair too!
*Sage returns and hits Greg into the ground with a mallet*
Sage: That's for ruining my perfect hair!
Kia: Thank you!
Sage: What. He had it coming.
Cye: I'm getting sick of this!
*Greg throws Kia, Sage, Cye, and Okami to Pluto*
Omu: Hey, where did my boyfriend go to?!
Kento: Where's my girlfriend?
Ryo: Thank you for getting rid of Kia! 
Rowen: ...You know, that's not a bad thing-- ah crap.
*Kia reappears and boots Greg to a black hole*
Okami: Sayonara!
Sage: HA!
Ully: Uh?
Kento: Squeal.
Cye: ...
Kento: Oink.
Cye: Stop that.
Kento: 'kay!
Greg: Everyone kiss Kento's ass!! HA ha ha!
Rowen: Are you nuts?! And don't use that language!
Mia: I'll wash his mouth out!
Kia: Better yet.... *Ties up Greg and makes her mother tie Greg to the house and watch him*
Kia: Now we can go on with the play!

THE PLAY WILL NOW START.... PLEASE IGNORE GREG IF HE REAPPEARS AGAIN AND RUINS THE PLAY......

Ryo: Who said that I could be the guy who says 'Bah Humbug!'?!
Kia: I just did!
Ryo growls: Fine. FIRST ACT!
Tora reads from script: On the Christmas eve, Scrooge was walking to his office..... *forgets words* Nuts, I'll use their names because I cannot remember the stuff from the book! Wait, Kia typed that! KIA!
Kia's voice booms: SORRY!
Tora growls: GRR.... On the Christmas eve, Ryo was walking to his office where Rowen was working on the books with pointless math figures....
Rowen: They are not pointless!
Ryo: Will you shut up, Hashiba?!
Rowen trembles: Gee, nice breath.
Ryo roars: Just shut up!
Tora groans: And Kia didn't write these lines? They're making it up! Now....
Ryo yells at Ully: Will you please put more coals in the fire?!
Ully: Gee, you're lucky that you will get coals from Santa!
Rowen: Very lucky. Now, Ully, please go home to your mother....
Ully: BYE!
Tora: So little Ully left his job to return to his mother...
Ryo: Who said you could let Ully go?!
Rowen: For goodness' sake! It's nearly Christmas! Ully is eight!
Ryo: I had to work when I was eight!
Rowen: I bet with that breath....
Ryo: SHUT UP!
Greg: Hey, kiss my butt!
*Audience ignores Greg*
Greg: Why are they ignoring me?
Ryo: You're not a part of this!
Greg: Bye farty breath!
Ryo: WHY YOU LITTLE....
*Greg leaves*
Rowen: You really shouldn't yell like that to little kids.
Ryo: BAH HUMBUG!
Mia walks in: Hello! How are you all, do you want some fruit cake?
Ryo: I hate fruit cake.
Rowen mutters under breath: Idiot.....
*Dark look on face*
Ryo: WHAT WAS THAT, HASHIBA?!
Rowen: Nothing... Mia, I would love to have some!
Mia gives him a piece: Here. Hope you like it.
Rowen: It's really good.
Mia: Ryo, you should have some.
Ryo: NO!
Mia: Please?
Ryo: Get out of here.
Mia looks down: Oh, fine...
Tora: And so, the young woman known as Mia left hastily because she feared Ryo's temper.... Rowen decides that he must leave soon due to his shift being over...
Okami: So he can have some good time with his lovely wife! HEE HEE HEE!
Tora: Shut up, Okami!
Rowen: I really have to go now because my family are waiting for me.
Ryo: Fine. Bah humbug!
Rowen leaves, muttering: Bad breath day....
Ryo: SHEASH!
Tora: Ryo finds it is too chilly for him to work since the fire has died out so he decides to leave work. He thinks a peaceful sleep will give him something to think about besides the day which he loathes the most....
Greg: Valentine's day!
Tora: Leave.
*Greg leaves*
Tora: Christmas.
Ryo: Bah humbug!
*sulks home*
Ryo: I can sleep....
*falls asleep in his bed*

INTERMISSION!

Kia: Ok, are the parts ready?
All: READY!
Kia: Good.
Greg: Hi.
Kia: Sayonara.

ACT TWO!

*A ghost enters*
Okami: I am the ghost of Christmas Past!
Ryo: Go away.
Okami: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED, IDIOT!
Ryo: Obviously, it's not working.
Okami slams Ryo into the ground: NOW, ARE YOU?!
Ryo: No.
Okami: FINE, I'LL SHOW YOU YOUR PATHETIC CHILD HOOD!
*Drags him over to the window and kicks him out*
Tora still reading from script: Therefore, the ghost of the Christmas Past kicked Ryo out of the window in order to drag him into his past to view his childhood.....
*A school house appears*
Okami: Who's that brat over there, sitting in the corner?!
Ryo: That's Cye.
Cye: No, I'm over here.
*Cye is standing by Kia who is steaming off*
Ryo: Oops. Oh, that's me.
Kia: BRAT!
Cye: Calm down!
Okami: SHUT UP YOU TWO!
*Cye and Kia doesn't say anything*
Okami: Spankee you very mutch!
Ryo: What's the point of this?
Okami: Just you wait and watch!
*Little Ryo sits alone at desk, grumpy*
Okami: You had no friends until a young girl decided to cheer you up....
*Little Hebi walks up to Little Ryo*
Hebi's voice: Oh, you look so sad....
Ryo mutters: Because I have no one to talk to.
Hebi: Why?
Ryo: Because they don't like me.
Hebi: That's not true. I like you.
Ryo: Really?
*image vanishes*
Okami: And what happened to Hebi? You never saw her again after that but you felt better and got more friends.
Ryo: She was only in town visiting a relative and the next day, she left, I felt so heartbroken... that stupid girl...
Okami groans: DAMN..... this is not going to be very easy.
*throws Ryo out of the school house*
Okami: FINE, DON'T BLAME ME WHEN YOU MEET THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE!
Ryo: Uh?
*Ryo wakes up in his bed*
Ryo: What was that?
*Glances at the hole in the window*
Ryo: Obviously, that ghost was real.

INTERMISSION!

Kia laughs maniacally: Hee hee.
Tora: Are you up to something?!
Kia: Yep. Just wait and see... *sinister laugh*
Tora: Uh oh.

ACT THREE!

*Tora takes her place on the stool, reading the script*
Tora: Ryo was so surprised by the incident that happened to him but he thought of it as a dream. However, our next ghost will ensure that it won't be a dream.....
Ryo: Bah humbug!
Greg: Hi.
Ryo: Bah humbug!
Greg: Bye farty breath.
Ryo: AND A BAH HUMBUG DAY TO YOU MORON!
*Omu enters*
Omu: I am the ghost of Christmas Present. I will show you the present that you are currently living in. If you do not change your ways, you will be forced to suffer the wrath of the Ghost of Christmas Future. The ghost is very sinister and will not let mercy come over it.
Ryo: Gee, I'm scared.
Tora: The ghost of Christmas Present was right in her own words, The ghost of Christmas Future is, indeed, twisted and sinister much like our authoress.
*KIA'S VOICE BOOMS*
Kia: Hey! You die!
Tora: No thanks.
Omu: Enough of this!
Ari: Can I steal something in this room?
Omu: you're in the wrong act!
Ari: Oops....
Kia: GET OUT OF HERE ARI!
*Ari leaves*
Ryo: Bah humbug!
Whatever you say won't change my mind!
Omu: Oh really?
*Kicks Ryo through another window*
Omu: LET'S GO TO THE HASHIBA HOUSE!
Tora: Oh crap. Someone take over my narrator role!
Hebi: I'll do it.
Tora: Sayonara!
Hebi: So Tora had to left to get comfy with her sweet smart husband, Rowen...
*Tora fumes in background*
Hebi: Heh heh he! And now, back to the show, folks. The Ghost of Christmas Present dragged Ryo over to the Hashiba house to show him the truth about the meaning of families.
*Omu smacks Ryo's face on the window*
Tora: How lovely, you are home finally.
Rowen: Yeah, I kinda feel bad for Ryo because he doesn't have a family. No wonder why he's so grumpy and with that breath....
Ryo: HEY?!
Omu: They can't hear you.
Ryo: So now they're deaf?
Kia: *throws a brick at Ryo*
Ryo: Ow!
Cye mutters: I'm not lame! I can't be lame...
Kento: Only because you're short, that means you're tiny Tim.
Cye growls, scarlet red: That's so funny!
Kento: Oops. At least we're not doing Robin Hood or you would be 'Little John'.
Cye turns red furiously: Hilarious. That would be more of your role.
Kento yells: My role?!
*Cye and Kento starts to fight*
Hebi: My, my. Looks like Kento will have a major headache soon....
*BOOOOING*
Kento groans: Nice use of your crutch!
*Kento passes out*
Cye yells: AND DON'T MAKE FUN OF A LAME BOY!
Sage: Oh boy. Here we go.
Kia: So? That is normal!
Sage: I thought you had to do your lines for the next act?
Kia: Nope. I'm in this act.
Ari: Oh goody! Turkey!
Rowen: ARI!
Sage: Not again....
Tora: HEY, HE STOLE THE TURKEY!
Kento: WHAT???! Ari, you give the turkey back!
*Kento chases after Ari around a Christmas tree*
Ryo: I am happy I'm not in there.
Omu groans: You'll regret it....
Ryo: How?
Omu: The Ghost of Christmas Future will maim you.
Ryo: SO?
Omu: But look at the poor cute Tiny Tom.
Ryo: CUTE?!
Omu: I CAN'T HELP IT IF MY BOYFRIEND'S PLAYING THAT ROLE!
Ryo: Short boyfriend....
Omu's eyes widen: OH! *Drags Ryo back to his room, kicking him through the window again*
Hebi: And so, Ryo got kicked into the window. Again. The very same one where Omu had kicked him out earlier.
*Ryo wakes up in his bed*
Ryo: Why does my butt hurt?
Greg: Probably cuz Omu kicked you hard enough.
Ryo: Ouch.
Greg: I'll make it feel better! I'll kiss your butt!
Ryo: GET AWAY! *Boots Greg out of a open window*

INTERMISSION!

Kia: Meet our actor who will play The Ghost of Christmas Future!
Hebi: Uhhh... why is the actor dressed like a grim reaper?
Grim Reaper: That's my name.
Tora: Eek, where did you find him?
Kia: AOA.
Omu: AOA?! That sounds familiar....
Okami: Way familiar.
Grim Reaper: Of course, but I wish it was Sage instead of Ryo but heck, Ryo's much fun to torture!
Sage: What is it with women wanting to torture me...
*Grim Reaper boots him into orbit*
Kia yells: Bring him back!
Grim Reaper: Okay.
Sage: -_-;

ACT FOUR!

Tora: Ryo was terrified at the two ghosts' warnings about the final ghost of the future. Alas, the warnings were too late because the ghost had arrived!
Grim Reaper: Konnichi wa, fool.
Ryo: That voice sounds familiar.
Grim Reaper: Of course, you will know it is me by the end of the play! So don't have a cow. Enjoy the show!
*Cape flys with energy spheres flying all around Ryo, enveloping him in a sphere*
Grim Reaper: I will show you what has happened to you in the future and your belongings!
*Appears in front of a store*
Ryo: Huh?
Grim Reaper: Watch....
Ari: I have the most valuable item ever! Ryo's watch! Solid gold!
Ryo: Hey?! Ari stole my watch!
Grim Reaper: Shut up.
Ari: I bet if I can sell it, I can get some money off that dead fool!
Ryo: Dead?
Grim Reaper: Exactly.
*Spheres envelop Ryo again as they appear in front of the Hashiba house*
Rowen: Only if Tiny Tim hadn't died....
Ryo: WHAAAAAAT?!?!?!
Grim Reaper: Correct.
*Spheres explodes as the scene changes into a grave yard*
Grim Reaper: That marker is Tiny Tim's. A terrible illness took his life. A simple fever, but it was terrible, he suffered every day until he died.
Ryo: ...he did suffer a lot.
Grim Reaper: There's more. Ari spoke of you as a dead fool, go look at that marker.
*Ryo creeps up to a marker and screams*
Ryo: AAGH! I died?!
Grim Reaper: From old age. From bitterness and agony you caused. No one mourned you because you were so mean, they couldn't mourn you. All they did was cheer because that meant one less miserable person!
Ryo: AAH! I'LL CHANGE! I'LL CHANGE! I'LL CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!
Grim Reaper: You better or else, I'll come after you.
*Everything fades to back as Ryo is kneeling in the spot light, he is back in his room*
Ryo: What? *Touches himself, surprised*
Kia: You touching yourself...
Ryo: Shut up.
Kia: Oy.
Ryo: I'm alive! Thank god! What day is it?! CHRISTMAS!!! YAAAAAAHOOOOOOOO!
Tora: Ryo was very much relived to be alive. He didn't want to go through the death that he would endure in the future.
Ryo dresses and runs out: YAY!!
*People on the marketplace are shocked to see Ryo giving everyone money.*
Ryo: Here! Here! Take it!
Mia: My, my, you seem to be in a cheery mood.
Ryo: Of course, I'll taste your fruit cake!
*shoves money in her hand as he eats the fruit cake*
Mia: Wow.
Ryo: Mm... delicious!
Mia: You really have changed.
Ryo: Thank you, dear. I better go and buy presents for the Hashiba family!
Tora: HEBI!
Hebi runs in: Ok, you go!
*Tora leaves*
Hebi: At the Hashiba Home, everything was at chaos and peace....
Kento: Give back my cookie!
Cye: You need to go on your diet!
Kento: No way!
Cye hits Kento with crutch: And my crutch says so!
Omu hugs Cye: You're sooooooooo sweet! Darling!
Okami yells at Cye: WHY DID YOU HAVE TO HIT MY BOYFRIEND FOR?!
Cye: He cheated on his diet.
Okami hits Kento's head: Stop doing that!
Kento: Ow.
Grim Reaper: Ohaysoo gozaimasu fools!
Kia: Will you stop that?!
Grim Reaper: No.
Hebi: Shut up.
Grim Reaper: ...
*Hebi's stool explodes as she lands on the floor*
Hebi has swirls in eyes: Ow.
Ryo bursts in house with presents: Come and get them!
*Everyone knocks Ryo over*
Ryo: Ouch.
Rowen: I don't believe it!
Tora: Me either! He has better breath and is hecka lot nicer now!
Kia: *mutters* Jess Fear...
Grim Reaper removes cloak: Any time.....
Kento: Jess Fear? O_o
Jess Fear: Hi.
Hebi: ... oh god.
Cye: Another Kia?
Omu: Please let this play end.
Okami: For sure?
Ully: It better be!
Greg: I agree!
Ari: No more plays by Kia if I can't steal anything!
Kia: No such luck!
Mia: How about if we sing?
Ryo: DO WE HAVE TO?
Kento: No problem!
Cye: Me either! I'm the best singer!
Sage: More like the worst.
Kia: Yeek... No one sing.
Everyone: Aw.
Tora: Not again.
Mia: *sighs*
Ari: Come on!
Ully: Please!
Greg: Yeah, lick my ass!
Jess Fear: .... *boots Greg into Orbit*
Kia: ...well. We'll do the better one.
Jess Fear: Fine.
Mia: Silent night...
Kia: Holy night...
Kento: Oink.
Tora: All is calm.....
Okami: Nothing is calm.
Cye: You know, that's right.
Ryo: All is bright that is, after I burn Talpa.
Hebi: Holy round virgin mother and child.....
Jess Fear: ...how can she be a virgin if she popped out a baby.
Rowen: Holy infant.....
Sage: So tender and mild....
Ully: Sleep in heavenly peace....
Mia: Sleep in heavenly peace....
Cye, Kento, Okami, Omu: ...what peace?
All: Sleep in heavenly......
C, K, O, O: ...
All: PEACE?
Jess Fear: ...at least AOA was predicitable with everyone trying to kill each other.
Sage: Lovely.
Ryo: Uh?
Rowen: Huh?
Kento: Moo.
Greg: Here cow!*puckers lips*
Cye hits Greg with crutch: Ew.
Hebi: Uh?
Okami howls: Oooooooooooooooo....
Omu groans: Oh crap.
Kia: ...
Tora: Ugh.
Ari: I can't steal anything now.
All: GOOD!
Mia: Oh dear.
Ully: Yeah, deer!
Sage: Thunderbolt....
*Kia and Jess Fear hits Sage*
Both: SHUT UP!
Jess Fear: Merry Christmas. And watch out for Kia's next plays! She'll make you howl with laugher or something!
Okami: She already did. OOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo.....

Merry Christmas from Kia Purity! 12/25/98 (I wrote it last year but I changed the date for this year. :))