Ronin 1/2
By Kia Purity

Modified as of 2004 to make myself sound less of a fangirl idiot. Title has been changed.

*Everyone stands around Kia*
Kia: Help me.
Sage: Why not do a play?
Kia: REMEMBER WIZARD OF DYNASTY?
Sage: Oh yeah.
Cye: How about Shakespeare?
Ryo: What?
Kento: I'm hungry.
Rowen: Macbeth?
Kia: Cale, Dais, Sekhmet as the three witches? (in reference to Swiftgold’s page)
*All shudder*
Mia: Romeo and Juliet?
Kia: ...I don't think anyone's suicidal.
Ully: How about if you make Talpa and Sekhmet?
*EVERYONE GETS SICK*
Ully: Was it something I said?
Kia: Afraid so.
*very long pause*
Kia returns: HEY! I have an idea! *pulls out a typerwriter* No... *throws typerwriter back* Ok! *pulls out a computer* Here! *types on computer* We'll do RANMA 1/2!
Ryo: ...
Cye: I won't be the female side of Ranma!
Kento: Well, why not? You wore your sister's panties.
Cye: *punches Kento* I feel better.
Kento: ;_;
Mia: Here's your chocolate cake. *stuffs it in Kento's mouth*
*Rowen gives Kia a printer*
Kia: Thanks! *Prints off copies* Ok, here's your copies! *Everyone takes a copy*
Cye: Who's Ryoga?
Kia: You or Sage!
Sage: Aw man!
*ZOYCITE...*
Zoycite: IDIOT!
*Kia boots Zoycite into orbit*
*Dynasty shows up*
Kia: Ok! I have an idea....
Ryo: UH OH.
*SINISTER LAUGHER FROM KIA*

GET IN YOUR SEATS! THE SHOW IS ABOUT TO START!

Cale: I'm Kuno?
Badamon: I'm Happosai?!
Kayura: I'm Akane?
Mia: I'm Kasumi?
Kia: I'm NABUKI! SHOW ME MONEY!
Ryo: I knew it.
Kento: I'm the panda?
Cye: I'm the female side of RANMA?!
Kia: Oops. No, you're not. You're Ranma.
Cye: HELP!
Talpa: Who am I?
Cale: EW! Anyone but Cye!
Kia: Fine, I'll be the female side of Ranma too!
Cye: THANK YOU!
Cale: I'm happy!
Kia: EXCUSE ME?
Badamon: Can I jump on your bosom?
Kia: No. Talpa, you're Mr Tendo.
Talpa: Oh fun!
Dais: Alright, whose twisted idea was it?
Ryo: Kia's.
Anubis: I'm Mousse?
Kayura: Hey?!
Kia: Kayura, you're Shampoo! Now, I'm Akane, Nabiki, Girl Type Ranma. *thinks: Anubis is cute. So is Sage...*
Ryo: Too many lines.
Kia: WHO CARES!
Sage: Why am I Ryoga?
Kia: SAME VOICE! (This is very much true. The voice actor for Sage and Cye is also the same voice actor for Ryoga.)

SHOW DELAYED DUE TO CONFUSION.....

Ryo: Alright, I'm the ninja!
Kayura: Then I'm Shampoo and Kodachi?
Kia: Afraid so.
Kayura: No problem.
Sekhmet: Who am I already?!
Kia: I don’t know.
Sekhmet: I would like to be Principal Kuno!
Kia: FINE!
*Sobbing*
Mia: It's ok.
Kia: LUNA!
*Luna walks in*
Ryo: I thought she was dead!
Luna: I thought I was dead!
Kento: I thought she's Sailor Moon's cat!
Cye: I think Kento's an idiot.
Sage: Why would anyone watch the show...?
Rowen: Panty shots.
Cye: ...
Rowen: Not you.
Kia: *sighs* Shut up.
All: OK.....

SHOW DELAYED FURTHER DUE TO CONFLICTS.....

*Steamed off Kia posts a list on wall*
List....
Ladies:
Kia = Girl Type Ranma, Akane, Nabiki
Mia = Kasumi
Kayura = Shampoo
Luna = Kodachi

Morons:
Ryo = The ninja
Kento = Mr Satome/Panda
Cye = Boy Type Ranma
Sage = Ryoga
Rowen = The guide
Anubis = Mousse
Cale = Kuno
Sekhmet = Principal Kuno
Dais = Mu Mu-chan
Talpa = Mr Tendo
Badamon = Happosai
Ully = P-chan

Mia: Kia is steamed off.
Ryo: I knew it.
Hebi: Knew what?!
Tora: We're here!
Okami: To settle down the confusion!
Omu: Yep!
Kia: GREAT!

List...
Ladies:
Hebi = Shampoo as cat
Okami = Akane (pounding part), Ling Ling
Omu = Akane (cooking part), Lung Lung
Sakura = Akane (screaming part), Girl Type Ranma, Nabiki
Tora = Ukyo
Mia = Kasumi/Cologne
Kayura = Shampoo
Luna = Kodachi

Morons:
Ryo = Ninja for Kuno Clan
Kento = Mr Satome/Panda
Cye = Boy Type Ranma
Sage = Ryoga
Rowen = Guide
Anubis = Mousse
Cale = Kuno
Sekhmet = Principal Kuno
Dais = Mu Mu-chan
Talpa = Mr Tendo
Badamon = Happosai
Ully = P-chan

Tora: Now, the show must go on!

SHOW READY TO START SO SIT DOWN WITH YOUR POPCORN! BE HAPPY THIS DELAY DIDN'T LAST FOREVER!

Kia: Oh! There's my P-Chan!
Ully: Squeal
*Kia holds Ully*
Cye: That's Ryoga!
Kia: You're lying!
Cye: I'M NOT!
Kia: Enter Okami!
*Okami and Kia switch places*
Okami: You'll regret it, Ranma.
Cye: Like I don't, Kawiikune!
Okami: HOW DARE YOU CALL ME UNCUTE! *Pounds Cye into ground* And stay there!
Cye: Ouch.
Ully: Squeal
Okami yells: ENTER SAKURA!
*Trades place*
Kia: Oh, bad Ranma was mean to poor P-Chan!
Mia enters: Akane, I need your help with dinner.
Kia: ENTER OMU!
*TRADES*
Omu: I'll like to!
Cye: Uh oh.
Kia enters: Oh, Akane, I hope you didn't mind if I sold some pictures of you to Kuno.
Omu: ME?! Why?
Kia: Needed the money!
Tora: Oh, Akane! I'll help you if you agree to give Ranma to me!
Omu: Uh?
Cye: Cutie! She's cuter than you!
*Omu pounds Cye into ground*
Omu: HOW DARE YOU!
*Okami's voice booms*
Okami: I thought that was my line!
Omu: Not anymore. I'm angry at Cye.
Cye: OMU!
Kia: RANMA! You need to watch your words! I can't sell pictures to Kuno if you're going to holler like that! You'll damage my money making brain!
Cye: Why are you selling pictures to Kuno?
Kia: MONEY! SHOW ME THE MONEY! HEE-HEE-HEE!
Ryo enters: I have come to kidnap Ranma!
Cye: Don't think so. *Foot lands on Ryo's face*
Ryo: Ow.
Kia: Uh?
*Thunder*
*Rain falls as everyone, including Kia runs inside the house. Cye is caught in the rain with Omu. Cye and Kia switch places*
Kia: EEK! Not again!
Omu groans: Ranma, why do you have to scream like that?
Kia: I don't like turning into a female! It's weird!
Omu: How weird would that be compared to Kuno?
Cale: Pig tailed girl!
Kia: AGH!
Ully: Squeal!
Omu: Oh, P-chan!
Kayura: Hey?! Ranma's mine!
Kia: AGH!
Cale: Excuse me?
Sekhmet: New hair cuts for everyone!
Cale: YOU'RE not going to do that?!
Sage enters: Oh, I'm in wrong place! Akane!
Omu: RYOGA!
Kia: Omu... Sage's mine, do anything wrong and you're toast.
Omu: But....
Kia: GRR. *Pours hot water on herself* OUCH!
*Cye and Kia and Omu trades place*
Kia: Much better. Wait?
Ully: Squeal
Sage: Oops.
Kia: GET OUT OF HERE SAGE!
*Sage Leaves*
Cye: Sheash, Akane!
Ully: Squeal
Cale: Ranma, what did you do with Pig Tailed Girl?!
Sekhmet: She disappeared!
Kayura: RANMA!
Luna: RANMA!
Tora: RANMA!
Cye: HELP!
Kia: Get outta here!
Anubis: Huh?
Kayura: MOUSSE!
Anubis: Shampoo!
Mia: Mousse go home!
Anubis: But Grandmother Colonge!
Kayura: Yeah, Shampoo want Mousse!
Sage: I don't see any actual hair products!
Ully: Squeal
Kia: I TOLD YOU TO GET OUT OF HERE SAGE!
Sage: OK! OK! OK!
Badamon: Wow! Babes!
*Ladies scream*
Ladies: GET OUT OF HERE PERVERT!
Badamon: Ohh, I wish I can be happy like my name means happy!
Kento: Happosai, why don't you just go after women in bikini!
Ryo: Better yet....
*Cye picks up Badamon and boots him into orbit*
Kia: Kooks.
*Storms inside house as Kayura pours hot water on Ully*
*Ully and Sage trade places*
*Kia storms back outside*
Kia: AAH! Ryoga! Ranma, what did you do with my P-Chan?!
Cye: He's Ryoga!
Sage: Goodbye.
*Cye gets smacked into orbit*
*Okami and Omu enters*
Omu: Ahh! Ranma, why were you mean to my P-Chan?
Okami: We're not supposed to be in this.
Omu: Oh. Then we can be Shampoo's twin sisters!
Kayura: Oh boy.
Cale hits a gong: Does anyone remember this?
Kia hugs him: EEK!
Sage: HEY?! *boots Cale into orbit*
Cye returns: Wait, that's my turn!
Kayura hits a gong: Now you hug men who are not Ranma!
Kia hugs Sage: Ahh this is better! No wait, this is not!
Sage: Save me, Cye.
Cye: AGH! *boots Sage into orbit*
Sage: Thank yooooooooou~
Kia: Is it me or is everyone remembering this comic with the magical mushrooms? Ahhh-choo!
Cye hugs her: AGH!
Kia: ...erg...
Okami slams him into ground: There.
Omu: EEK! Hentai! Hentai! Hentai!
Luna fakes a sneeze as Cye hugs her: AGH!
Kia: This isn't fair. *sighs and shakes her head*
Kayura fakes a sneeze then Cye hugs her: I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THIS! SAGE OR CALE IS SUPPOSED TO DO THIS INSTEAD! I CAN'T HANDLE HUGGING WOMEN! THEY'RE TOO BUSTY FOR ME TO HUG!!!
Sage: Die.
Cye: But women like YOU.
Sage: Shut up.
Kia: Oh, Sage...
Sage: Go away.
Ryo: Wasn't I supposed to kidnap someone?

THE END OF ACT ONE: ACT TWO STARTS NOW!

Kia: Only if my prince will come!
Sage: I ain't coming. You scare me.
Kia: Suffer.

WRONG ACT....

Ryo: Only if my princess will come!
Hebi: Here I am!

WRONG ACT WITH WRONG CHARACTERS, THE PLAY WILL BE DELAYED AGAIN.........

Anubis: Only if my dream witch will come!
Sekhmet: Kayura's not here.
Dais: Make up.
Cale: Here's Kayura!
Talpa: Hi SWEETIE!
Anubis: Argh!

WRONG ACT WITH WRONG CHARACTERS WITH WRONG GENDER FOR THE PRINCESS.... THE PLAY WILL BE DELAYED FURTHER, PLEASE BE PATIENT BECAUSE WE ARE TRYING TO CLEAR UP CONFUSIONS IN THE SCRIPT......

Omu: Where's my dream fish!
Cye appears in a fish costume: Here I am!
Sekhmet appears with a fry pan: Die fish!
Cye: AGH! Help!
Talpa: Kiss me, Anubis!
Anubis: Go kiss yourself! ARRGH! Get my agent!
Sekhmet: This is fun!
Cale: We don't have to use the script! We invent this ourselves!
Dais: So fun! I'm ready to roll over and play dead!
Ryo: Here! *throws a doggy bone at Dais*
Dais: I am a spider, not a dog!
Kia: Here I am with a newspaper to kill spiders!
Dais: On second thought, I am a dog! *puts doggy bone in mouth and runs around on knees and hands*
*Insanity ensues*
Rowen: Ugh! This isn't fun at all!
Ryo: IT IS!
Sage: Just don't give Kia any ideas.
Kia: What.
Sage: Go away.
Kia: *smites Sage with a typewriter*
Ryo: It's back.
Rowen: So I see.
Kento: *smiles and nods, getting the hell out of here.*

ACT TWO IS FINALLY FOUND......

Anubis: Is there any girls out there for me?
Kia: How about me?
Sage: I'm offended that you'd not annoy me.
Kia: GET OUT OF HERE SAGE!
Sage: The hell?
Kia: Oops. Get out of here Anubis!
Anubis: I... don't understand.
Kia: Damn. GET OUT OF HERE KIA! *leaves....*
Anubis: What's with her?
Sage: Everything. Just. Everything.
*they eye the stage where Kia somehow fell off of.*

ACT TWO IS LOST AGAIN.... THE PLAY IS OVER. NO IT IS NOT! THERE'S MORE!

Okami: Go home. It's over.

AW NUTS!